Online Banking
by LemonMeringueTart
Summary: Jane & Maura are in search of the perfect sperm...
1. Chapter 1

Just a little tidbit I had one my mind...enjoy!

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><p>Slender fingers flew over the keyboard as their owner concentrated on the screen. Behind her, the tall detective stood with her hands on her hips impatiently.<p>

"Almost done." Maura soothed as she triumphantly hit 'submit' on the computer screen.

"Now what?" Jane questioned, her voice sounding strangely close to a whine. "C'mon, Maur. Just pick somebody and be done with it. I'm starving. I thought we were going out to get dinner?" _And a beer._ Her voice added internally. Throwing her head back and sighing miserably, Jane tried to get her point across.

Ignoring her antics, Maura turned in her chair to look at Jane. "Don't fuss. This is the fun part." Her expression became one of extreme excitement. "Once our information is received, the company will send us an email with a username and password. Then we can either browse the listings, or search by certain criteria. Have you given any thought as to what keywords you would like us to search by?" Clearly, any type of shopping excited Maura.

"Not a loser." Jane huffed, rolling her eyes. "Or a convict. No rapists, serial killers, Yankee fans, professional golfers, or men who enjoy sushi."

"What's wrong with sushi?" Maura argued. "It's delicious, and very healthy. I love sushi."

"I know you do." The detective responded. "But I don't. I want our kid to have a decent chance of being normal." When she noticed the narrowing of her lover's eyes, Jane decided to change tactics. Quickly.

"Sweetie, I know you like the finer things in life, and that's one of the things I love about you." She sensed Maura's increasing aggravation and added rapidly, "I am content to be a perfectly average human being, that's all."

"Nothing about you is average." Maura stated firmly. "You don't give yourself enough credit, Jane."

Internally, Jane 'high-fived' herself.

"Oh!" Maura exclaimed, bouncing happily in her ergonomic and very expensive computer chair. "The email arrived! We officially have an account!"

Running a hand through her lover's honey-blonde curls, Jane smiled. There were few things in life that were more adorable than an excited Maura, and years ago Jane had taken it upon herself to try and witness as much of Maura's joy as she could. It was just that endearing, and quite contagious. Always one to try and hide her emotions as much as possible, Jane couldn't help being affected by the Medical Examiner's enthusiasm for certain things, and this was no exception.

"Login!" Jane exclaimed as her hands clenched on the back of Maura's chair.

Concentrating, Maura typed in their username and password. The screen refreshed, and they were logged into the sperm bank's directory.

"Let's discuss search terms." Maura directed. "We should make a complete list, sorted by priorities, and have a special column for undesirable traits." Clearing her throat slightly, she continued. "For example, I'd like our child to be fathered by someone with at least a master's degree from a reputable university. I'd also like to choose someone who has unique interests, and an athletic build."

"Maura." Jane explained patiently, as if she were talking to a child. "It doesn't really matter who we use. It's our child, and it will turn out fine because we'll raise it right."

"Studies have shown that genetics play a very important role, Jane. I just want to make sure we have made the best possible choice." Maura answered back, her chin firmly set in place.

Jane sighed; knowing that once Maura has made her mind up about something there was little left to be done to change it.

"Fine." Jane deferred. "Pick some genius to father our kid. It doesn't really matter, you know?" Maura tilted her head in response. "C'mon, Maur. Look at your parents – your sperm donor is one of Boston's most wanted. I mean, he seemed like a nice enough guy and everything, but seriously, he is a criminal."

"Exactly why I want to make sure we make the best choice!" Maura argued.

"Let me finish." Jane soothed, her hands gently squeezing her lover's shoulders. "You are nothing like him. You are nothing like your birth parents either, thank God." She smiled at the Medical Examiner, her lips twitching at the corners. "You are who you are, without the help of anyone." Leaning down to gently plant a kiss at the corner of Maura's mouth, Jane continued. "And you're perfect. Exactly like our kid will be. Regardless of who we choose to give us the donor sperm."

"But.." Maura interjected before being interrupted by Jane.

"No buts about it. As far as I'm concerned, there will never be anyone good enough to contribute sperm to your gene pool. So, do your research, sort through every single man on that website, and make the choice. It makes no difference to me. I just want to have a baby with you."

Acquiesced, Maura focused her attention back the computer screen and started sorting search results into a list of favorites. She worked silently for a few minutes, Jane standing supportively behind her.

Clicking on a donor that had the criteria Maura was looking for; she looked at Jane for her opinion.

"Well, his favorite food is Stracciatella. Ma would be happy, he's obviously Italian."

"I like him." Maura agreed. "He graduated with honors from Harvard, works in the medical industry, and enjoys hiking on the weekend. He seems like he fits all of our criteria, and he shares some of your physical traits. It says here that he is tall and slender with dark hair and eyes. His family originates from Naples and he enjoys several activities that you enjoy." Her eyes shining with excitement, Maura made one final click with her wireless mouse. "I paid extra to be able to see childhood photos."

As the prospective donor's photo loaded, Jane chewed at the side of her lip. She knew it shouldn't bother her that they were essentially shopping for someone to make a baby with Maura, but it did. She possessively wrapped her hands around Maura's shoulders as they looked at the photo together.

"Aww!" They said in unison. The donor was an adorable baby, with chubby cheeks and a thick shock of dark wavy hair.

"I think we should go for him." Maura said. "Let's review his profile one more time."

"Okay." Jane agreed amiably. "I think it's a good match."

Reading through the donor's profile, Jane felt herself relax. There is no way that Maura would have any interest in this person if he was standing next to her. Did he know how she laughed nervously right before she was about to cry? Did he have any idea how she liked her coffee? Would he be able to soothe her fear of the public with a simple glance like she could?

Jane was confident enough in herself to believe that there was no one else for Maura other than her. That said, she was still human enough to allow herself a moment of jealousy. Now that it was under control, she was able to turn her attention back to the very important task at hand.

"No." Jane said suddenly, shaking her head. "Not him. No way."

"Jane?" Maura asked, clearly confused as to her sudden change of heart. "Why not? He's perfect!"

"Maura." Jane said calmly as she the Medical Examiner turned to face her. "He wears mandals."

"Huh?" Maura responded. "What are mandals?"

"Man sandals." Jane said, the shock evident on her face. "That's a dealbreaker."

"Have you lost your mind?" Maura's hands flew at the keyboard. "Where does it even say that?"

"Right there!" The detective pointed a long finger at the screen. "Under the question 'What would you want with you on a deserted island?' He said sandals, sunscreen, and a good book."

"That is a foolish answer." Maura admitted. "It sounds like he said that because it sounds good to say. Anyone with any sense would have asked for a cellular phone with a satellite GPS and enough food and water to sustain them until help arrived."

"Right." Jane resisted from rolling her eyes. "Not mandals." Scrunching her nose, she continued. "I bet he wears them with socks. Mandals with socks are even worse. Why do men think that it's a good look? Especially with black socks. Idiots."

Maura waited for her to finish her rant. "I didn't know you had such a problem with men wearing sandals."

"It's the primary reason that I became a lesbian." Jane responded seriously. "Along with the fact that I can't get enough of your breasts."

She moved quickly enough to avoid the smack Maura halfheartedly directed at her side.

"What happened to the speech you just gave me about it making no difference to you, that I should just hurry and pick one so we could go to dinner, etc?" Maura pressed.

"I recant that statement." Jane answered, a slow smile spreading across her face. "It makes no difference to me, with the exception of mandals."

"What if the donor profile doesn't specifically mention sandals?" Maura pushed. "Then what?"

"I will use my many detective skills to establish a presence of mandal tendencies. If I find none, we proceed. If I find any, we move onto to the next schmuck." Jane smirked. "Deal?"

"And what exactly would be 'mandal' tendencies?" Maura questioned.

After a moment of thought, Jane responded easily. "Enjoying long walks on the beach, playing the bongos, a fondness for Matthew McConaughey movie, Jack Johnson music, or living in Vermont."

Maura laughed, clear and loud. The sound of it was contagious and Jane found herself laughing right along.

"Deal." The Medical Examiner agreed as she turned her attention back to the computer and began to search avidly again. "I wish there was check box we could click to display only mandal-free applicants."

"I'm sure we'll be able to tell." Jane stated seriously. "No, not that one." She said, pointing at the screen. "He likes opera, taxidermy, wine tasting, and traveling around the country. He's clearly a weirdo like that skin-wearing guy in Silence of the Lambs."

Maura rolled her eyes. This was going to be much more difficult than she had imagined.


	2. Chapter 2

After four days of trolling every available applicant and still not finding the perfect donor, Maura was frustrated. Glaring at Jane, who was lounging comfortably in the oversized recliner next to the computer desk practicing the ideal hand position that resulted in the perfect jump shot, Maura struggled to make her frustration known to the tall detective.

Jane, however, was seemingly oblivious to the entire scenario. She continued to maneuver her hands up again and again, the deliberate flick of her wrist becoming more pronounced time and again.

"I have to beat Frankie this time." She huffed, flicking her wrist again while watching the invisible ball she shot fly into the wastebasket across the room. "I'm so sick of him goading about how he's finally better at something than I am. Any idiot can shoot a ball."

"You have too much wrist action." Maura stated irritably. "The amount of downward force you're using is resulting in the ball trajectory falling short of the basket."

Jane stopped her motion mid-shot. "You never even watch us play. You're always in the kitchen sucking up to my mother and trying to get her recipes."

"First of all, I'm not sucking up to her. Secondly, based on your shooting position, I feel it's safe to make the assumption that approximately 73 percent of your jump shots result in the ball hitting the rim and bouncing out. Since Frankie is anticipating you missing your shot, his reflexes are more accustomed to getting the rebound and making a successful shot. Thirdly, I am trying to learn how to cook your family's traditional food so I can provide our future child with something more nourishing than your preferred fare of greasy take-out and cheap beer." Maura couldn't keep the annoyance out of her voice, and after her tirade, spun defiantly in her chair to face the computer screen once more.

"Jeez, what crawled up your ass and died?" Jane muttered as she resumed her practicing. Scowling at Maura's back, she flicked her wrist extra dramatically. "My jump shot is fine." The detective spoke again, defiantly, but her claim fell on deaf ears. She could tell by the stiffness of Maura's shoulders that she was focused on the task at hand and not paying attention to her any longer.

The brunette rose from the chair, her lanky frame awkward and stiff for the first few steps until she was able to regain her usual grace. Fetching the wadded-up papers she returned to the chair she had called home for the past four days and slumped back into it.

Crumple. Whoosh. Thump.

"Shit."

Crumple. Whoosh. Thump.

"God damn it."

Crumple. Whoosh. Thump.

"What the hell?"

Crumple. Whoosh. Plop.

"She shoots, she scores!" Jane triumphantly celebrated her final basket. Admittedly, on that one she had tried to decrease her trajectory force or downward action or whatever Maura had said.

Getting no reaction from Maura, Jane huffed as she got up from her chair, stomping over to the waste basket to retrieve the successful shot, as well as the three missed ones on the floor in front.

Crumple. Whoosh. Thud.

"Oh what the fuc.." Jane started.

"WOULD YOU STOP THAT?" Maura couldn't contain herself any longer. She wheeled around in her chair so forcefully that she almost made a full rotation. Bracing herself against the desk, she spun herself to the desired perspective and glared at Jane, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

Jane's hand had frozen in mid-air, her second shot still clutched in her hand. From the angle, Maura could tell that this one would have missed as well.

"Get your coat, and for god sakes, please change from those sweatpants that you've had on for two days." Maura's voice was decidedly firm, leaving no room for argument.

"Where are we going?" The detective questioned.

"I am going to teach you how to play basketball." Maura responded, tucking her hair behind her ear primly.

Jane tried very hard not to laugh outright. She was not successful. Guffawing, she took in the blonde's decidedly feminine appearance, carefully applied make-up, and tasteful jewelry. It wasn't possible for her to look less like an athlete; and although Maura was an excellent runner and yoga fiend, she certainly didn't have it in her to play a contact sport.

"Laugh if you must." Maura said stoically. "You will not hurt my feelings. While I obviously lack the upper body strength that you clearly have, I understand the physics of the game and will be able to assist you in becoming a better player."

"Okay." Jane acquiesced. "You're on." Smiling, she dropped the crumpled makeshift-basketball onto the floor, ignoring Maura's look of disgust. "I'll do anything to help me beat Frankie."

She held a hand out to the blonde and helped her up from her desk chair. "I just have one question for you."

Maura arched an elegant eyebrow.

"If we're just going to play basketball, why do I have to change my pants?"

Huffing, the blonde picked up the crumpled paper and threw it into the wastebasket without even looking. Smiling triumphantly at Jane, she replied with one of her usual trademarks. "Just because we're going to get sweaty doesn't mean we have to look unfashionable."

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><p>An hour later, while wearing 'fashionable' athletic pants, Jane's jump shot had been dramatically improved.<p>

Maura wasn't lying when she said she failed to have the upper body strength for basketball. While she had a difficult time powering the ball into the net repeatedly, she was able to coach Jane into improving her posture and her wrist action.

"Your shot percentage is well over 80 percent now." The blonde stated smugly as she dribbled down the court, the ball bouncing between both of her hands.

"Okay smarty pants," Jane couldn't help but smile at her antics, "since you taught me how to shoot, I'll teach you how to dribble."

"I know how to dribble." Maura argued, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrated on the ball.

"Honey, that's not dribbling." Jane responded, grinning widely. "I don't know what that is, but it's not dribbling."

"Fine." The blonde stated, passing the ball to Jane. "Teach me."

Using her superior height to her advantage, Jane leaned in behind Maura and wrapped her arms tight around the smaller woman.

"No funny business." Maura said firmly. "This is a public park."

"I know." Jane sassed, jutting her chin out. "This is how you learn to dribble." She held the ball between Maura's hands, and gently opened them, allowing the ball to hit the pavement. Using Maura's hand as a puppet, Jane applied just the right amount of pressure to make the ball rhythmically bounce up and down.

"I'm not left handed like you are." Maura complained. "Shouldn't I learn how to dribble with my dominant hand?" Jane sighed loudly, and switched hands easily. Using Maura's right hand, she quickly helped her get into a comfortable rhythm.

"It's a push pull, just like when I taught you to shoot my gun." Jane murmured in her ear, and she felt Maura suppress a slight shudder. Her confidence grew, knowing the effect she had on the blonde, even while playing basketball in a crowded park.

Stepping away from her, she watched Maura's progress, a slow grin forming on her face. "Not bad." The detective mused, enjoying the sight of the blonde concentrating with all of her might to dribble one handed.

After a few more minutes of practice, Maura grabbed the ball, holding it jubilantly to her chest. "We both improved our game so much with just a bit of practice! Think of how good we could be if we played more!"

"Sure." Jane nodded, grinning. "Whenever you want."

The park was teeming with people, and Jane noticed a few kids hanging around the basketball court, obviously waiting for the women to finish. Seeing that Maura wasn't going to let go of the ball anytime soon, Jane slung a long arm over her shoulders and led her off the court.

"Let the kids have their fun." She murmured and Maura waved happily at them.

They meandered around the park, enjoying the fresh evening air. Maura felt the strain of the past four days slowly leaving her body, and with it faded away her annoyance with Jane.

"How did we mess things up so royally?" Jane said, her voice husky with emotion as she watched a little girl point at the geese swimming around in the middle of the pond. Her attentive father tagged doggedly behind as she trotted to the water's edge.

"As much as I hate to admit it, we both allowed the details of the task at hand to overshadow the results." Maura responded, clutching the basketball.

"English?" Jane asked hopefully, pulling her closer as the evening air took on a much cooler chill. The little girl by the water's edge didn't seem to notice, but her father did. He distracted her from the geese long enough to zip up her jacket.

Maura sighed. "We're human beings, Jane. As much as I would like to find perfection, I have to be rational enough to realize that no one is perfect."

"Except me." Jane scoffed.

"Right." Maura agreed, smiling widely for the first time in days. "Honestly, when we started looking for a donor, we both felt it would be a simple process. However, as time went on, we both focused on the negatives of each candidate rather than the big picture."

Jane was silent for several moments. "I still don't think that there's anyone good enough for you."

"For us." Maura argued. "This will be our child."

"True, but it will mostly be yours and some dude's." Jane scrunched her face at the unpleasant thought.

"Jane, I assure you that you are the only person I've ever been interested in having a baby with. Our child will be ours and ours alone. Besides, this is our only option as of now due to the fact that Parthenogenesis is not a viable option for lesbians at this time."

"Do I even want to know what that is?" Jane asked, making her trademark 'that sounds confusing and disgusting at the same time' face.

"Parthenogenesis is also known as creating reproduction without fertilization. It is crudely referred to as 'virgin birth.' It is unheard of in mammals, but actually quite common otherwise in nature. Scientists have been able to create offspring from two female mice without using a male mouse or sperm. Of course, this can only result in all female offspring, since the male of the species determines the sex. This raises an interesting point, as there actually is some dissension in the scientific field regarding the initial state of a fetus. Many believe that a fetus is female by default and will essentially 'turn' male only if it receives a Y chromosome from the father."

Maura stopped only to take a breath, missing the amused yet shocked look on Jane's face.

"Regardless, we need to stop being so particular and just pick someone." She finished.

Jane waited for her head to stop spinning. She had visions of little lesbian mice complete with feathered mullets, attending the mouse-version of Lilith Fair.

"Right." She finally muttered. "You're right." Glancing at the devoted father who would probably rather be at home watching the Celtics game than standing around watching some geese swim around, she had to give the guy credit. "I mean, look at that guy." She resisted the urge to point, knowing that Maura would know who she was talking about.

"Him?" Maura asked loudly, pointing. Jane sighed softly.

"Yes." She gritted through her teeth. "We'd never consider someone like him."

"Agreed." Maura said quickly. "He's quite short, already bald, and his glasses are indicative of poor vision. It's unfortunate, as he is obviously in his early twenties. However, he seems like a nice person."

"That's what I mean." Jane pointed out. "Look how great he is with his daughter. We need to stop being so particular."

"I think I can do that." Maura stated eagerly. "I'm in complete agreement with your assessment of our situation."

"Good, I think." The detective stated. "So, it's decided. No blacklisting someone because of trivial things."

"Yes." Maura agreed.

"That means no diagnosing of strange medical conditions from a few vague symptoms." Jane added.

"I'm certain that man had argyria, a condition that turns the skin blue, usually from silver poisoning." Maura defended.

"And I'm certain that the staff at the sperm bank would have listed 'looks like Poppa Smurf' in their staff comments if that was the case." Jane argued back, unable to control her smile.

"We'll have to agree to disagree." Maura huffed. "Also, we can't rule anyone out due to their footwear." She said pointedly, obviously referencing Jane's unusual disdain for men wearing sandals.

"Fine. Mandals are in." Jane replied. "And I'm only giving in on that because I love you so damn much."

"Thank you." Maura grinned as they made their way back to the car.

They drove home, both lost in their own thoughts; Jane imagined the little lesbian mice forming their own roller derby team, while Maura focused on how to not seem too particular about the donor they chose yet ensure that she didn't give birth to a blue-skinned child.

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><p>It was only because of your reviews and private messages that I decided to continue this story. I'll see what I get for feedback and decide from there if there's a chapter 3!<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm officially as healthy as a horse," Jane declared as she swaggered into the kitchen. She flung her jacket over the back of the kitchen stool and kicked off her shoes, leaving them in the middle of the floor.

"Maur?" she called, realizing for the first time that she was alone in the large house. "Where the hell are you?"

When she didn't receive an answer, she assumed Maura had stopped to do errands on her way home. It had been a relatively light work week, with no pressing cases and they both had enjoyed being able to leave work at a decent hour and have dinner together each night. In fact, it had been so slow around the precinct that Jane had no problem leaving a few hours early this afternoon to go to the doctor appointment that Maura had scheduled for her.

"I still don't know why I had to go to the stupid doctor," Jane muttered as she walked down the hall toward the bedroom. "I'm not the one who's going to get knocked up."

Maura's wet head popped out of the bedroom doorway. "It's very important to ascertain that the partner of the woman undergoing pregnancy is in optimal health. Besides needing a STD screening; a complete physical and current pap smear will allow your doctor to make sure nothing is passed from the partner to the pregnant woman or the fetus."

Jane stood frozen in shock, and admittedly scared out of her mind. She relaxed her left hand, which had tightened around her gun nestled securely in its holster.

"Can you NOT do that?" She gritted angrily, her jaw clenched. "Are you trying to make me shoot you?"

Maura furrowed her brow. "What was your blood pressure? What did the doctor recommend to reduce your stress level?"

"I'm fine," Jane huffed, her shock now turning into embarrassment. "She said I was fine. Healthy as a horse, in fact."

"That's a commonly misused idiom," Maura stated, moving back to allow Jane into the bedroom. She was wearing a short robe and as she leaned over to rub the towel through her hair Jane couldn't help but notice how it crept up her thighs.

She sank down onto the bed, using her elbows to hold herself up so she could watch Maura's robe reveal more of her toned legs. "I'm not going to ask what an idiom is," she said under her breath.

"Healthy as an ox is much more fitting," Maura continued, tossing her dampened hair casually over her shoulders. Today it was a dark honey blonde. Jane often remarked that Maura changed her hair color as frequently as Jane changed her underwear. Maura always responded that it was a disgusting comparison, and if Jane only changed her underwear once a month than she was probably suffering from some sort of mental disorder.

Maura stretched her arms behind her head and combed her fingers through her hair. Jane grinned broadly as she revealed plenty.

"Horses are not known to be extraordinarily healthy. In fact, many equines currently have been so inbred that they as a species are rampant with physical problems. The Russians use an ox for this saying, which is much more correct. Modern oxen are just as healthy as those centuries ago."

"Uh huh," Jane murmured, transfixed by the apex between Maura's thighs. Every time she moved her right arm just so, Jane could clearly tell that she had nothing on underneath her robe.

"Jane, are you even listening to me?" Maura snapped, putting her hands on her hips. Her robe fell back into place. This instantly stopped Jane's free peep show, and she flicked her dark eyes to Maura's.

Pasting a wide smile on her face, Jane nodded. "Yes. Healthy oxen. Not healthy horses. I heard every word."

"Good." Maura smiled, and Jane internally thanked her multi-tasking abilities. "So," Maura stated as she crossed over to the bed, "you had a good check-up?"

"A great one," Jane boasted, lying down fully and crossing her arms behind her head, "everything looks great."

"Indeed," Maura purred, taking in the pleasing picture of the tall detective lounging on the bed. She had changed out of her work clothes before the appointment, leaving her long legs clad in a dark pair of skinny jeans Maura insisted she should buy. She was wearing a snug wrap sweater in a beautiful shade of midnight blue, and the tones contrasted nicely with her dark eyes and hair.

Before Jane knew it, Maura was straddling her hips, her hands toying with the loose knot keeping her robe closed.

"We are all clear to proceed, then?" The Medical Examiner questioned, her head tilted to the side.

"In any way you'd like," Jane smirked.

"I'll make my appointment in the morning then," Maura stated, and Jane couldn't miss the flash of – something – that briefly crossed across her face.

"What is it?" Jane asked, concerned. When Maura didn't answer, she gently nudged her in the side. "Maur?"

"It's nothing," Maura said with a slight flick of her chin, "it's silly."

"Tell me?" Jane placed a comforting hand on Maura's thigh.

A slight pink tinge graced the full cheeks of the blonde. Jane waited patiently, knowing that Maura sometimes needed a few minutes to sort her thoughts into words.

"I hate going to the doctor." Maura breathed softly.

"Seriously?" Jane was incredulous. "Huh. I'd have thought that you would love every second of it. You're so fascinated by the human body, you know?"

"Yes, and that is a very good assumption," Maura stated, "however, I become very nervous in clinical setting when I am the one being studied. I tend to jump to conclusions based on my test results and the entire ordeal is very stressful for me."

Jane allowed the shock to settle on her face. "You jump to conclusions?"

"Yes," Maura replied, "it's terrible."

"So just run the tests yourself," Jane responded easily, "you probably can do most of it, right?"

"I could. However, it is good to get an unbiased opinion." Maura answered.

With Jane's hands resting easily on her hips, Maura allowed herself to relax.

"I'm sure everything will be fine," Jane smiled at the blonde, "get checked out, order the stuff, bada bing bada boom, and in nine months, baby at our doorstep."

"Hopefully it will be that easy," the M.E. responded as she nervously chewed on her lip. "If we decide to try in-home insemination, we only have a one-in-twelve chance of conceiving each ovulation cycle. If we go to a clinic for IUI, the chance goes up to one-in-eight."

"Uh Maura, honey, I love you and all, but if you think that in any way I'm going to turkey baste you, you're dead wrong," the detective scrunched up her face.

"Jane," Maura scoffed as she slapped the detective lightly on the side, "we wouldn't use an actual turkey baster! The scale of the opening to the amount of semen is wrong, and it's not sterile. We would need sterile pipettes. I have some in the lab."

"No? You don't want to use our baster? Where's your sense of adventure? Think of the look on Ma's face this Thanksgiving when she's enjoying her turkey dinner and we tell her you're pregnant, courtesy of the baster!" Jane waggled her eyebrows comically.

"Now I know you're kidding," Maura responded, feeling much more relaxed.

"I'm kidding about the baster, but not about me not wanting to do it. That's what doctors are for," the detective argued.

Maura didn't respond for several seconds. "That surprises me."

"What?"

"I assumed you'd want the least clinical-type setting available," Maura responded.

"And I thought you'd want the most medical intervention possible," Jane retorted back.

"No, actually," the blonde said in a rush. "I was hoping we could try conceiving at home first, at least. I like the idea of sharing that moment with you and you alone. I couldn't physically do it alone, however, so I would need your help."

Jane scrunched her face tighter than Maura had ever seen it. "I don't wanna touch it. It's gross."

Maura laughed, loud and full. "Jane, correct me if I'm wrong, but it was only recently that you started exclusively sleeping with women."

"If by women, you mean only you, than yeah. Exclusively."

"Than one would assume you'd have plenty of experience interacting with semen," the blonde stated pointedly.

"Okay, gross," Jane mock-gagged. "First of all, don't say I have plenty of experience. I don't have an ex-boyfriend around every corner like someone I know," the detective muttered. "Second of all, _one_ would assume that just because a person has experience with something doesn't mean they like it."

The blonde mused silently for a few moments before nodding her head empathetically. "I understand." Gently, she ran her fingers down the side of Jane's face. "You are so beautiful."

Jane pouted her lips and shrugged Maura's hand away with a shake of her shoulders. "Don't try to change the subject," she warned.

"What if I prepare the sample so you don't have to handle anything. When it's time to inseminate, I'll hand the syringe to you and all you will need to do is dispense it," Maura asked hopefully, "deal?"

The detective thought about her lover's request for several seconds. Of course, she'd prefer to not have some creepy doctor ogle Maura's private parts while she was inseminated. It would be much more relaxed, especially after hearing Maura's anxiety toward doctors, to do this from home. As much as the thought of handling some stranger's sperm and putting that sperm inside of Maura skeezed her out, she had to admit that it would give her more control over the situation. And she'd actually be the one to pull the shuttle on the syringe, therefore giving Maura the chance to become pregnant. That was kind of cool.

"Deal," Jane said, smiling widely. Maura's sheer look of delight was worth any discomfort on her end.

Should there be a chapter 5 ? ? ?


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry for the delay, folks. Real life has gotten in the way. I'll try to update more frequently. Forgive me?

* * *

><p>Hanging up her phone, Maura turned triumphantly toward Jane. "We did it!"<p>

Unable to keep the sheer glee from her voice, she smiled widely at the detective. "It will leave California tomorrow, and arrive at the Cambridge branch Thursday."

"Jesus," Jane huffed as she pulled her lover into her arms. "Wonder if the FedEx guy knows what he's going to be delivering?"

"Most likely," Maura said, her voice muffled by Jane's shoulder. "All companies have to list explicit descriptions of what is being shipped, both for safety and insurance reasons."

"Gross." Jane shuddered slightly.

"It's not gross," Maura pulled back from Jane's embrace and looked into her dark eyes.

"Maura, we just bought some stranger's junk. We are having it shipped across the country. I'm going to put it into your…" Jane gestured toward Maura's hips, her eyes flashing. "It's kinda gross."

Several emotions flitted across Maura's face, none registering for more than a few seconds. "I thought you wanted to use an unknown donor?" When Jane didn't respond, the Medical Examiner continued. "I thought I made it perfectly clear that using Frankie's sperm would be ideal, that way you'd be also biologically connected to the child. You wouldn't hear of it."

"Maura," Jane spoke sternly through gritted teeth, "I'm not having this conversation. Again."

"I don't understand why," Maura argued, "it's a perfectly reasonable solution. If not Frankie, Tommy then. Although his genes are obviously a little less than ideal, based on his history of incarceration."

"How is you having a baby with either of my brothers a reasonable solution?" Jane's voice cracked at the end of the sentence, her dark eyes wide with disbelief. "They're both single, why don't you just go off and screw one of them. Or both? Double your chances?"

"Jane, I don't want to have intercourse with anyone other than you. And I'm having a baby with you." Maura softened her approach, knowing the conversation was upsetting the tall detective. She placed her hands on Jane's arms, which were folded tightly across her chest. "Please don't be upset. This is supposed to be a joyful time for us, not filled with tension. Did you know how easily conception is impeded by a household filled with anxiety?"

"Arugh." Throwing her arms up in the air, Jane swiftly turned and walked down the hall. Grabbing her jacket from the closet, she searched in her pocket for her keys. Finding them easily, she triumphantly jangled them at Maura who was still standing stricken in the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" Maura's voice was filled with desperation, and she anxiously attempted to smooth imaginary wrinkles out of her blazer.

"Out."

"Jane." The M.E. arched an elegant eyebrow at her lover. Used to her antics, she knew the best way to calm the detective down was to apologize for her mistake and move on.

"I told you the next time you talked about my brothers fathering your child I was out of here," Jane warned as she continued to hold her keys up in a threating manner.

"I know and I'm sorry," Maura stated calmly as she walked toward her lover, her hands held out in defense.

"You are?" Jane asked suspiciously.

Maura nodded, her large hazel eyes solemn.

"Well, okay then." The detective hung her keys on the key hook and put her jacket back in the closet. The tall detective looked ruffled and out of place in the cool perfection of Maura's house. She kicked off her shoes and allowed them to lie haphazardly in the hall. Maura immediately moved to straighten them but was stopped by the quirk of Jane's eyebrow.

"No way. I need to be allowed to make some mess," Jane quipped as she walked toward the kitchen. Maura hesitated for a second, her hands nervously fidgeting as she agonized over whether or not to move Jane's shoes. "Get used to it, Maur. I mean, do you really expect a baby to be neat and clean all the time?"

"Absolutely. I certainly was," Maura retorted as she quickly straightened Jane's shoes before following her lover into the kitchen.

Later that evening, Maura laid in bed listening to the even breathing of Jane next to her. It had taken Jane precisely seven minutes and thirteen seconds to fall into an untroubled sleep. She had moved seven times since falling asleep, as she commonly did when she fell asleep on her back. Jane was a stomach sleeper, and would only sleep soundly once she was on her stomach. Usually, one long arm was flung across Maura's chest and the other curled underneath her pillow.

Finally, Jane maneuvered herself onto her stomach and sighed in contentment. Maura had been awake through it all, including the surprise moment when Jane decided she was too warm and chose to suddenly discard all of the blankets leaving Maura completely exposed. The detective had almost woken up when Maura crawled out of bed, her teeth chattering, to retrieve the bedding and pile it back on the both of them.

Staring at the ceiling, her intelligent hazel eyes traced every line visible in the darkness of the room. Lit by only the small bulb from the fish tank holding Jane's betta fish, the room was bathed in a comfortable amount of light – enough to guide you easily toward the bathroom, but not enough to be a bother.

Tonight, however, Maura felt as if she were under the white hot lights of a runway. The small light was enough to bring to light all of the flaws and cracks on her surface, not to mention the bigger 'structural' defects held below.

Who was she kidding? She wasn't motherhood material. Fastidious to a fault, obsessed with perfection, overly concerned with appearances – these were just a few of her more defined traits. Jane was right, babies were messy, not to mention lacking in a proper schedule. Would she be able to put aside these basic personality traits in order to properly mother her child?

Jane would be a wonderful mother, Maura was certain of it. She was so warm and giving and thought nothing of sacrificing herself for another. The baby would feel protected by her, cherished by her, nurtured by her, and above all completely accepted by her. Everything that Maura felt coming from Jane, their child would feel as well.

But what would the baby feel from Maura? The strange tension that resulted when anyone other than Jane engaged her in conversation? A peculiar anxiousness when out in public? A well-defined, yet not easily explained, ability to be intellectual yet emotionally unapproachable?

If only she would have been able to explain that these fears, these concerns were the main reason she was so desperate to have one of Jane's brothers provide the donor sperm. Maura firmly felt that she needed that genetic counterbalance of solid emotion to provide their child with the best opportunities to be indeed 'normal.' The Rizzolis – every last one of them- were riddled with emotion – it practically oozed out of them like blood from a slow-clotting wound.

"What in the world are you thinking about?" Jane's low sleep-riddled voice pulled Maura from her stupor.

"I'm concerned that my negative traits will cause be to be a less-than-ideal mother," Maura answered honestly.

"You don't have any negative traits," Jane murmured as she inched closer to the M.E. and clung to her side.

"I most certainly do," she argued, "everyone does. There isn't one perfect human being, it's theoretically impossible to be perfect in every aspect."

"Shh," Jane responded, "sleepytime." The detective pressed her cold nose into Maura's neck and inhaled happily. "Besides, I think you're perfect and that's all that matters."

Closing her eyes, Maura wished that was the truth.


	5. Chapter 5

The quartet played out in Maura's mind, methodical yet unregimented. Although she hadn't heard this particular melody in over ten years, each note was as pure as the moment the sheer perfection of the movement first christened Maura's ears.

Lacrimosa, from the Requiem Mass in D minor by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Left unfinished after his death, Lacrimosa was the last part of the movement, and Maura's favorite. She reveled in the stunning simplicity of the strings and savored each pregnant pause.

She closed her eyes, sinking lower into the mattress as her mind played out each glorious note. The candles lit beside her bed emanated notes of lavender, bergamot, and lemon. The windows were cracked open, letting in a faint breeze. It was raining outside, the coolness from the temperature drop left the bedroom drenched in a refreshing coolness. She was completely at ease and exceptionally comfortable. This was Maura's favorite method of relaxation, complete and utter silence with the exception of the symphony in her mind.

"Maura!" Jane's anguished cry reverberated through the otherwise peaceful house. Maura struggled to maintain her façade; fought to keep the music alive but the control was lost and the symphony faded into oblivion, leaving one tangled note strangling in its wake.

Sighing, she lifted an elegant eyebrow and took several deep breaths with the attempt to try and return to a place of somewhat relaxation.

"Yes, Jane?"

"Uh, I think it's ready." The detective had a note of worry clearly evident in her husky voice.

"I'm ready then," the M.E. responded primly. Scooting over on the bed she tucked a few pillows under her in order to be propped up to the recommended angle.

Jane's head popped through the doorway, sporting an almost maniacal grin. "Sperm delivery for Dr. Maura Isles!" She flounced into the room, brown eyes dancing with nervousness.

"Oh, Jane," The M.E. shook her head, "It wasn't funny the first month, let alone the fourth."

The symphony returned to her immediately as Jane placed the plunger with the donor semen inside of her and displaced the plunger. It replayed itself over and over as Jane pressed against her side and began to touch her, whispering words of adoration and causing her body to quiver before bringing her to a crescendo that would rival any orchestra.

It was only after the moment was over that her mind finally quieted, allowing her to fall into a dreamless sleep.

"How do you feel?" Jane asked, her dark eyes luminous with concern.

"Fine," Maura responded with a gentle smile. For the past three months the pattern had been the same; insemination then interrogation. The waiting to ovulate then the waiting for menstruation. The sheer logical cycle of the process was predictable and comforting to Maura for the first two months, yet frustrating and agonizing as of recent.

"Fine as in, there might be a baby floating around in there or fine as in probably not pregnant fine?"

"Fine as in I don't know anything or I would have immediately disclosed it to you," Maura responded primly. Folding her hands in her lap she tucked her legs demurely underneath her.

They continued their meal in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

"I know you thought it would happen immediately, but these things take time," Jane quipped, through a mouthful of breadstick.

Maura was certainly aware of the little seed of discontent that had certainly been planted after their first failed try. The morning after the first insemination she was almost certain she was pregnant. She had all the early symptoms, and just "felt" pregnant. She had never been so disappointed when she received her period, right on time, and that disappointment had fostered the little seedling of doubt that had been previously only nurtured by her insecurities.

In the following months, the seedling had flourished into a strong and viable weed, rooting through her past grievances. Gone were the days of being concerned about accidentally getting pregnant – even with her careful charting of her periods, cervical mucus, temperatures, and ovulation she still wasn't able to control her body in this most primal of cycles.

Maura wasn't certain why she thought it would be easy for her to conceive; she had read the statistics and done a thorough evaluation on the both the success rates of the sperm bank they had chosen as well as the mobility records of their favored donor. She knew that the percentage of inseminating at home with frozen semen had a fairly low success rate. They had only tried for four months. Statistically, they should try for a year before seeking medical intervention.

Still, she had to assume that this failure was most certainly a failure on her part. The donor's thawed mobility statistics were far above average. The specimen was thawed and dispensed correctly. Maura's timing to predict her ovulation and then inseminate immediately before then twelve hours after was impeccable. There had been no mistakes on her or Jane's part, of that she was certain. For some reason, it just hadn't 'stuck' yet, as Jane would crudely state each month upon the arrival of Maura's period.

But Jane was so insufferable with her effervescent optimism; her cheery goodwill and certainty that next month would be a success. She had no idea how exhausting it was both emotionally and physically on Maura to live in a world of two week cycles, waiting to ovulate and then waiting to menstruate. And how could she know? Maura remained optimistic on the surface, carefully nurturing her seed of discontent in the shadowed abyss of her mind and keeping all thoughts of negativity secretly hidden away. Or so she thought.

"It's taking longer than I had anticipated." Maura spoke honestly, the rawness evident in her glittering hazel eyes.

Jane put down her breadstick and laid her hand over Maura's. She didn't say anything for several seconds, instead allowing her dark eyes to linger over Maura's intently.

"I know," the detective finally spoke, "and it must be really hard for you. It's hard for me. The waiting, I mean."

"It is?" Maura asked, clearly surprised by the detective's admission.

"Sure," Jane responded. "There are all these stupid shows, you know? Sixteen and pregnant, I didn't know I was pregnant so I crapped out a baby on the toilet, Maury's daily paternity battles, all these terrible parents with these out of control kids. And then I look at you and how wonderful you are and I know how hard we're trying. It just doesn't seem fair."

Unsure of how to respond, Maura opted for her most trusted ally, the only thing that never let her down regardless of the circumstances; science. In her mind, she ran percentages and facts, cited a few experts in the field, and put together a solid piece of evidence for Jane about the expected timeline using at home insemination with frozen donor sperm. It was much longer than the four months they had been trying, and she explained it factually and without emotion.

She then spent the next several minutes explaining to Jane why they needed to be patient and give it more time. Jane, in her usual compassionate manner, listened intently and held Maura's hand the entire time; and nodded empathetically at the appropriate moments.

Acquiesced, Jane grinned at Maura. "So, we'll keep trying. It will happen, Maur, we just need to give it more time."

Maura agreed empathically and the pair changed the subject to discuss Angela's upcoming Pampered Chef party. Their banter was light and even, as it always had been. Surely Jane was right, and more time was all that was needed.

Now if only Maura could convince herself.


	6. Chapter 6

Again, sorry for the delay in posting. Don't blame me, blame the pneumonia and terrible sickness I've had since the end of September. Bleah.

Glancing at the clock, Maura sighed quietly. It was only three thirteen am. And precisely two minutes later than the last time she checked.

Lying in the dark, the bright red numbers of Jane's cheap Walmart clock radio glared at her almost accusingly. Maura knew she was being foolish, lying awake here and anxiously awaiting the moment she could take a pregnancy test, but she just couldn't help herself.

Never in her life had she wanted something so badly yet seemed incapable of making that want into a reality. She always had been driven; even as a child if she saw something she sought, she would do everything in her power to have it held firmly in her grasp. Chronically overlooked for the coveted second grade class 'student of the month', a pigtailed Maura determinedly walked to the teacher's desk and demanded to have the qualification process explained to her. When learning that the student of the month needed to have not only high grades but be congenial to their fellow students as well, Maura started carrying the other children's books (even if they didn't want her to do so), sharing her expensive lunch items, and graciously giving away her prized eraser collection. As soon as she received the award for the month of March, she returned to her normal solitary self.

That experience taught her something important and something she never would forget; if she used her intelligence in conjunction with a dash of deviousness, the desired result would be achieved.

But there was no trickery involved here. There was no one to manipulate, no one to fall for her flirtatious conniving airs. The responsibility to become pregnant was hers and hers alone.

In reality, other than working with fertility drugs and seeking medical intervention, there was nothing else that she could do in order to become pregnant faster. There were only a few days per month where a normal adult human female was fertile. Even heterosexual couples having sexual intercourse only have a twenty-five percent chance of conceiving. She was taking her prenatal vitamins and eating a healthy diet. She drank plenty of water, had drastically reduced her caffeine intake, and doubled her yoga time in order to reduce her anxiety level and prepare her body for pregnancy.

The question she was asking herself, now at three-sixteen am¸ was why she was so against seeking the medical intervention and clinical procedures that would most surely boost her chances of becoming pregnant?

She wasn't sure.

While she loved science and appreciated all it had done for the human race, she wasn't ready to donate her body willingly. Unable to determine when her patience with trying things the 'old fashioned' way would be up, Maura resolved to try and keep herself as relaxed and upbeat as possible.

Three-seventeen am. She couldn't stand the waiting anymore.

Slipping out of bed silently, Maura pulled on her robe. She felt around in the darkness with her bare feet trying to find her slippers, but they were nowhere to be found. In the dusky moonlight, she saw Jane frown in her sleep and extend a long arm toward Maura's vacant spot.

"You okay?" she murmured, her normally husky voice was several tones lower when tinged with sleep.

The sound of it made Maura's heart ache. Never was there a person who had loved her more.

She smoothed away Jane's frown with a gentle touch of her hand. "I'm fine, Jane. Go back to sleep. I just have to use the bathroom."

"Kay," Jane said sleepily, rolling over and burying her face into Maura's pillow. Maura knew that Jane would still be in that same position when she returned; and the Medical Examiner would have to carefully disengage the lanky detective's arms from the pillow much like the process involved in removing stomach contents from a corpse.

Jo glanced at her from the foot of the bed as she passed by, giving her a look of disgruntled adoration only a terrier can bestow upon their master. Maura smiled at her, ruffling her disheveled coat as she passed by.

She tripped over something before she left the bedroom, a hushed curse escaping her lips as she fought to maintain her balance. Her heart pounding, she looked behind her to find one of her slippers lying haphazardly in the middle of the floor. Maura shot an accusing glare at Jo, who hurriedly put her head back down. The terrier had a particular fondness for Maura's footwear, her slippers in particular.

The bathroom tile felt cool and sterile underneath her bare feet. She shivered, unable to control her body's normal response to the chill in the air.

Closing her eyes, she flipped on the light. Proper lighting was essential to achieve a flawless appearance, and Maura was guilty of spending an extraordinary amount of time glancing at herself in her mirrored bathroom in order to accomplish her desire to always look put together and be dressed impeccably.

Sometimes, after Jane spent her usual five minutes and thirty-two seconds getting ready for work in the morning, she'd come into the bathroom to sit on the corner of Maura's vanity and sip her steaming mug of coffee. Her dark eyes would follow every motion of Maura's tweezers, every deft stroke of the makeup brush, and linger over each and every aspect of the Medical Examiner's face.

"You're so beautiful," the detective would state; her voice reverent and low. Maura would predictably blush, clear her throat and toss her shimmering golden locks over her shoulder.

Maura had mastered the art of flirtation over the years; her inherent ability to appear both seductive and reticent was both alluring and annoying to others, especially Jane.

She had an enormous amount of her self-worth invested into her appearance. However, tonight her reflection in the brightly-lit mirror surprised her. She actually touched a quivering hand to her face to ensure she was actually seeing herself.

When the reflection mirrored her motions, she let out a forced chuckle. Of course it was her image; there could be no other option. It just looked so different from how she perceived herself.

Maura was not vain; on the contrary she did everything in her power to achieve a controlled and stylish exterior because she didn't feel she was beautiful. As if by painting who she wanted to be on the outside, it would make her feel that is who she was on the inside. She spent hours researching the latest fashion trends and styles, read everything she could get her hands on for the newest makeup and styling products, and tried to always present her best. She did appreciate the infinite beauty of the sixty-seven shades of eye shadow she had in her collection and enjoyed picking out complimentary lipstick and nail polishes to go with each outfit.

Jane always said that she liked how 'girly' she was. Maura didn't really understand why, as before her Jane had always been attracted to men. But it worked, so she tried not to over-analyze or question it.

The woman standing on the other side of the mirror was a far cry from the 'Maura' that Maura had imagined in her mind. Her hair looked as if it was in desperate need of a hot oil treatment. The color was blotchy and grown out – when was the last time she had been to the salon to have it highlighted? Her skin was ashen, a pallid grey undertone that was clearly visible due to the lack of foundation that always gave Maura her sun-kissed coloring. Her eyes, normally an interchanging hue of hazel green-gold were of a nondescript color. Her lips were pale, her eyes sunken, and dark circles hugged the undersides of her dusky lashes.

The Medical Examiner gave a dry laugh, her voice reverberating off of the crisply-tiled surface. She tilted her head to the side and decided she looked like Christmas lights during daylight hours. Ugly, out-of-place, and dreadfully tacky. The harsh lighting of the bathroom highlighted all of her flaws and Maura was tempted to flip the switch in order to be illuminated by the gentle wash of the stained-glass nightlight Jane had bought last year, tired of stubbing her toe in her hurried middle-of-the-night bathroom dash.

No sense in prolonging the inevitable. She opened the neatly organized bathroom closet and removed a small packet wrapped in baby (no pun intented) pink plastic. Tearing the packet, she removed the tiny test strip and set it down on the back of the toilet tank. Holding a plastic Dixie cup in her hand, she sat down and began the process of collecting her urine.

Basic body functions always served to remind Maura that she was indeed human. The cup felt warm against her cool skin, and when she had enough for a sufficient sample she removed the cup and wiped the outside clean with a tissue. She set it down on the back of the toilet tank along with the test strip and carefully washed her hands. Every movement was precise, every breath carefully measured as Maura went about her routine.

Collect the sample. Sterilize yourself. Analyze sample.

Maura observed her urine sample, taking in the darker-than-usual color which was normal at this time of night / day. It was a concentrated sample as she had not used the bathroom since before bed the night before and ideal for testing for pregnancy.

Her period was due tomorrow. Her cycle had been almost painfully precise each month, ovulating right on track and her period following as scheduled two weeks after. The test she had purchased claimed to be able to confirm pregnancy up to five days before her period due date, although Maura knew that the human growth hormone wasn't present in high enough levels in some women until days or a few weeks after their missed period.

This really was foolish, testing so early. She really should wait until her period was late before putting herself through this. She hadn't told Jane that last month she went through five early pregnancy kits – she tested herself five days before her period due date and continued to test once daily until her period arrived, right on time.

That afternoon, sitting at her desk with painful cramps, she vowed to tell Jane that she was giving up and that she couldn't put herself through this anymore. Instead, she purchased a bulk kit of early pregnancy test kits from .

Her hands shook as she continued about her ritual. Insert strip until the dotted line was even with the surface of the urine sample. Leave strip immersed in urine for five seconds. Remove strip and lie flat.

Folding a clean tissue, she laid the test strip down. Now the waiting game truly began. In five minutes time, she would know if she was pregnant. It was three-twenty-five. She would know by three-thirty.

As Maura stood and stared at the test strip, she recalled a post she had read on a lesbian parenting site. The poster had said that while she was trying to conceive, she would stare at the test strip and wait for the second line to appear. After months of trying, she eventually saw the second line start to emerge and she couldn't believe it; instead thinking her eyes were blurry from her tears of frustration in her attempts to become pregnant.

But Maura did not cry. She was far beyond the point of tears, and now had the cold shoulder of discontent wrapped firmly around herself like a protective shawl.

Three-twenty-seven and still no second line.

She stood, motionless as a statue. Her skin paled so dramatically it was as if she was part of the white bathroom itself.

Finally, something inside of her broke. Muffling a sob, she turned away from the test strip and dragged her anguished eyes to the mirror once more.

She looked exactly as she imagined she would; a woman riddled with despair. This would not do. Regardless of what was taking place in her personal life, she could not let her appearance reflect her inner turmoil. This afternoon she would do something for herself. Perhaps go to yoga after work instead of their traditional Thursday night appetizers with the crew at the Dirty Robber. Maybe she'd even go in for a manicure. Most certainly, she'd have her hair taken care of. Maybe even have it cut. It would be so much easier to have an easier hairstyle to maintain once they had an infant.

The accurate timer inside Maura's mind dinged. Three-thirty. She turned around slowly, her eyes searching for the tiny strip. Interesting how a piece of cardboard less than four inches long and not even ten millimeters thick could hold such control over her.

Finding the test line, her eyes absorbed the result and widened noticeably.


	7. Chapter 7

A single pink line. Not pregnant.

And looking at that solitary, lonely line, Maura turned back toward the mirror. This time, the face looking back at hers was completely unrecognizable. She stared at her reflection for what seemed like eternity, even though she knew it was only a few seconds. The seconds ticked by, then a minute, and then two.

It took a full two minutes for the disappointment to saturate through her entire being. She wanted to cry, but was too exhausted for the tears to form. Instead, she just continued to stare at herself in the mirror, her features becoming more and more distorted as each second ticked by.

Quickly, the disappointment and the sadness faded, a deep anger taking its place.

Before she could stop herself, she lashed out at the face in the mirror. The face that was responsible for all of the heartache for not only herself, but for Jane and the disappointment the lanky brunette tried to hide each month behind her cheerful smile and optimistic statements. An unrecognizable scream gurgled from her depths as she bashed her palms and wrists against the mirror, ignoring the pain as the glass shards ripped through her skin. Through her silk pajamas the sink was cold on her stomach but Maura didn't care as she pressed closer in order to break every inch of the mirror. She wanted no trace of the face that lingered there to be found.

Glass ricocheted on the floor, sending sparkly shards everywhere, but Maura didn't stop her tirade. Infuriated, she turned her attention to the immaculate shelf where they kept bathroom necessities such as cotton balls and q-tips. Housed in antique apothecary jars that Maura spent the summer scouring for at countess antique sales, each Sunday morning she had dragged Jane out of bed to visit all the local estate sales in order to complete her mismatched collection. With one sweep of her arms, they too were shattered on the floor.

Maura paused briefly to observe the bright red drops of her own blood that mingled with the strewn cotton products and glass shards before moving on to the towel rack, stripping the towels free from their perfectly- folded confinement. In her rage, the towel bar was dislodged from the wall itself, falling to the floor. She vaguely recognized the sound of Jane's footsteps running down the hall.

"Maura?" Jane's voice called sharply as her determined footsteps ran toward the bathroom. Maura heard the unmistakable sound of the safety being clicked off of the Revolver Jane kept in her nightstand.

"Wait!" Maura called, her voice barely above a whisper.

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: <em>

_I'm really sorry for the lack of updates to this story as well as my other ones. I could give you excuses galore but the truth is that I've just really lost my inspiration to write. I'm posting this little update to see if there is any interest left in this story and if any of you are still out there reading. _

_So, let me know if you would like me to continue. Perhaps your demands for the completion of this story will kick my behind into gear to finish it. _


	8. Chapter 8

WOW. The amount of reviews and private messages I received from the last chapter was a bit overwhelming. I can't say that I have my muse back full force, but your supportive comments and 'FINISH THIS DAMN STORY BEFORE I GUT YOU' threats seemed to do the trick, because here is a new chapter!

Enjoy.

* * *

><p>Jane's flustered form appeared around the bathroom door, hair flying around her shoulders and a wildness present in her eyes that Maura hadn't quite seen before. She looked harsh, sexy, and powerful. Her pajamas were rumpled from her sudden departure from sleep; boxer shorts twisted and t-shirt bunched so a glimpse of olive-skinned midriff peeked through. Jane's eyes, still trying to adjust to the bright light of the bathroom, darted back and forth from Maura to down the hall.<p>

Jane was still pointing her gun into the bathroom. Instinctively, Maura held both of her hands in the air, well aware of the blood streaming from her palms. She took a step back, wincing as the glass crunched under her feet.

"What the hell is going on? Are you okay?" Jane's gruff voice was an entire octave lower than her normally husky alto. It sent a shiver up Maura's spine as her words reverberated across the starkness of the destroyed bathroom.

Maura opened her mouth to speak, but no sound would come out. Instead, she shrugged her thin shoulders weakly and allowed her eyes to dart to the back of the toilet seat where the test kit's solitary pink line made a stark contrast against the wreckage of the bathroom.

"Fuck," Jane sighed as she clicked the safety back on the revolver and gently sat it down on the floor. "Is that what's all this is about?" She said as she crossed over to Maura and embraced her in a hug.

Maura hung limply in Jane's arms. She felt the blood dripping from her palms onto the floor and suddenly became self-conscious.

"I'm fine, Jane." Maura said briskly as she backed out of the embrace.

"You don't look fine," Jane argued. "What the fuck is going on?" Now fully awake, the brunette detective had a harshness in her eyes not normally directed at Maura.

Ever honest, Maura answered to the best of her ability. Her lower jaw trembled and she felt fresh tears tickle the corner of her eyes but her voice remained steady. "I became upset at the results of my early pregnancy test. I'm afraid I overreacted to the situation."

"You overreacted?" Jane replied incredulously, her eyes widening in an almost a comical fashion. "You fucking trashed the bathroom, Maur!"

Maura felt her shoulders shake in reaction to Jane's sudden anger. When she didn't respond, Jane sighed in frustration. Turning around to survey the damage, the detective jerked suddenly. "Ow!"

Jane leapt out of the bathroom and landed haphazardly on the soft plush carpeting of the hallway. Cradling her foot, she glared up at Maura. "Goddamned son-of-a-bitch fucking asshole piece of shit glass!"

Used to her colorful language, Maura ignored the stream of curses coming from Jane as she looked on in horror at the large piece of glass embedded in Jane's sole.

"Don't touch it," Maura ordered as she carefully stepped around the glass shards littering the bathroom floor. "I need to get my bag, please don't move." She squeezed by Jane and hurried down the hallway.

"Oh don't worry. I'm not going anywhere," Jane retorted, "It's pretty hard to walk with glass in my foot."

Jane took advantage of Maura being gone to survey the wreckage. Maura had turned their immaculate and sterile bathroom into a disaster. She noted the precise pattern of wreckage. From the blood spatter, it was evident that Maura stood at the sink and hit the mirror repeatedly. Jane examined her own palm, comparing the size of them against the small points of impact on the mirror. The indents were flattened on the bottom and roughly the size of Maura's palms, meaning she hit against the glass with her fists unclenched.

Worried brown eyes flicked to the shelf next to the mirror. Maura had specifically sought out each glass container, some kind of pathway jar or something, and they had been reduced to nothing more than wreckage on the floor.

The towel bar had been ripped out of the ceramic tile wall. Anchors and screws had held it in place, not to mention a hell of a lot of glue and silicone caulk. Jane had put it in herself after she and Frankie re-did the bathroom to Maura's exact specifications. New pedestal sink, eco-friendly toilet, and white subway tile had completed the renovation. That towel bar shouldn't have ripped out of the wall easily, indicating an extreme amount of adrenaline or anger.

Deep in thought, Jane almost didn't notice Maura's return. She turned her head away from the Medical Examiner and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. She had never seen a sign of the anger that was obviously consuming Maura.

Sinking down on the carpeting next to Jane, Maura gently untangled Jane's long limbs and propped her foot up in her lap. She kept her head down and her eyes focused on the task at hand, completely oblivious to the emotions playing over Jane's face.

While Maura delicately removed the shard from her foot, Jane's mind wandered.

_It was summer, long before they were 'together'. Actually, Jane had to admit, they had always been kind of 'together.' She didn't remember a time when it felt strange to put her hand on the small of Maura's back when leading her in and out of a room, or snuggle up next to Maura on the couch – even when they were 'just friends' _

_A typical summer day off, they had gone for a jog and decided to spend the rest of the day on Maura's porch drinking wine. Maura had prepared fresh fruit and some sort of weird salad greens that weren't supposed to taste like dirt (but did) and she was showing off by throwing grapes in the air and catching them in her mouth. Maura had taken her running shoes and socks off and when she didn't follow suit, Maura had pulled her feet up onto her lap and started untying her shoe laces. She protested but Maura laughed, saying that foot odor was normal and not to be embarrassed about. Jane had made some smart-assed remark that Maura ignored, pulled Jane's shoes off one by one and then her socks until she was left barefoot. Much to Jane's surprise, Maura then admired her feet, complimenting her strong arches, athletic toes, and neatly trimmed toenails. Maura asked if she was ticklish and before Jane could answer, impishly ran her fingers along Jane's arches. She knew Maura hadn't missed the flash of fire in her eyes by the way the Medical Examiner blushed in response. Startled, she pulled her feet off of Maura's lap and playfully threw a grape at her, both of them laughing. _

Jane returned to the present, hissing out in pain, as Maura cleaned the wound.

Maura's eyes met hers, widening in surprise when she noticed Jane's reddened eyes. Jane was crying.

"Maura," Jane croaked out, "we have to talk."


	9. Chapter 9

The talk never happened.

To be more precise, the discussion had started; after making sure all wounds were cleaned and bandaged (the physical ones, at least), Maura decided to make tea.

"Leave this mess. I'll tend to it later," she said, but the brunette shrugged her off.

"I'll take care of it. I need some time to think." Jane responded quietly as her dark eyes refused to meet Maura's.

Jane shuffled painfully downstairs several minutes later to find Maura clutching her steaming mug like a lifeline with her bandaged palms. Jane sat down across from her and the distance between the two was palatable.

Jane took a sip of her tea and cleared her throat hesitantly. "We need to stop, Maur. This isn't good for you. You can't handle the stress."

Maura said nothing and continued to stare into her tea; her small shoulders hunched as if she were in pain. She moved one trembling hand down to her stomach and began to rub in slow, circular movements.

Jane carefully continued. "I know we both want a baby, but it's not working to do this to ourselves month after month. If we aren't successful at home, we should see a doctor at that clinic you mentioned. It's not that big of a deal, let's just schedule an appointment and be done with it."

Maura's rubbing motion ceased, and Jane thought she saw the faint hint of a smirk on her pale lips.

Still, she said nothing and Jane felt frustrated by her lack of response.

"I can't believe you did that. Frankie and I worked really hard on that bathroom, Maur. It's ruined. What were you thinking?" She stood up from the table and began to pace. "Here I'm thinking that we were doing okay, and then you wake me up in the middle of the night trashing the place. I know you're disappointed; hell, I'm disappointed too, but it's gonna happen for us at some point. The more worked up you get about it, the more stressed you get; the less chance we have of it happening. You know that."

Jane paused to wait for a response. Still nothing.

"I said WE had to talk Maura, not just me. I need you to tell me what's going on and why you overreacted like this. This is why this happened – because you never said anything to me about how you were feeling. I thought you were fine."

She put her palms flat on the table and leaned into Maura's space. The smaller woman didn't even flinch.

Jane had interviewed many people in her professional life and each had their weakness. Sometimes it was difficult to pinpoint, but she was proud of her detective skills and her ability to persuade even the most tight-lipped suspect to speak – eventually.

She pleaded, her eyes warm and welcoming. "Maura, I love you more than I've ever loved anything. I need you to talk to me. C'mon, Maur. Sweetie, tell me why you're so upset. Please?"

No response.

She became impatient. "I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow and would like to get some sleep. Can you please fill me in?"

No response.

She became angry. "Do you think you're alone in this?" She slammed her hands down on the table as hard as she could, which made Maura's cup to bounce in its saucer. Her voice was harsh; harsher than it had ever been when speaking to Maura. "Stop wallowing and get over it. So it didn't work this time, no big deal. We aren't in any rush. But if this is what we're going to go through every month, I'm not doing this anymore. That's it."

No response.

Resigned, Jane sat down at the table and put her head in her hands.

They sat; silent, the gentle tick from Maura's dining room grandfather clock the only sound. With each second Jane became more and more angry. Angry at herself for not recognizing the signs that Maura was under such severe stress, angry at Maura for not trusting her enough to confide in her, angry at Maura's reluctance to allow for medical intervention, and angry at everything and nothing in general.

Maura had heard everything that Jane had said. Listened to her pleads and words of love, received Jane's words of concern, understood Jane's frustration and anger. However, she was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened she was unable to speak.

Had she really destroyed the bathroom in a fit of anger? That was unlike her. She had always been in full control of her emotions and actions, even as a young child. Maura prided herself on her ability to decide rather than react. She knew what had happened; her hands hurt and Jane wasn't putting full weight on her foot. She remembered the sound of breaking glass, Jane's gun, and pained shriek as she walked into the bathroom. The shard of glass had been imbedded deeply in her foot; and even with her thorough job of disinfecting the wound, with between ten thousand and one million species of bacteria present in each gram of dirt, it was very likely to get infected if Jane insisted on continuing to accompany Jo Friday out into the back yard barefoot.

Was it really a surprise that she had been so destructive? Truthfully, more than any other room in the house, Maura's master bathroom was a physical representation of Maura herself. She had carefully designed each inch of the floor plan to provide maximum efficiency, style, and comfort. After the first time they had made love in the previous shower, Maura deemed it to small and the great bathroom re-design project began. Now the double-wide, high-ceiling tiled shower stall with the rain shower head allowed her and Jane to share the shower space easily. Unlike most couples, they didn't mind sharing a sink so Maura kept the single pedestal with its lovely scalloped bottom and beautiful faucet. The generous antique mirror that hung above had a timelessly beautiful frame. Utilizing the space by keeping the single sink allowed for an oversized claw-footed tub. Each antique apothecary jar had been hand chosen; some of French descent, others Italian, and each was more classically beautiful than the previous.

The small decorative accents added a tasteful and personal approach; nothing over-the-top or ostentatious, just small and unique pieces that made the room flow with a diversity as ubiquitous as Maura herself.

The best part about the bathroom was that Jane's loving hands had helped to create every inch of it. Refusing to let some 'Joe Shit the Ragman' company (whatever that meant) do the work, Jane and Frankie spent a rare weekend off pulling pipe, putting up drywall, and tiling everything by hand. Angela had come over to help paint and by the end of the weekend they were all so exhausted they ended up eating take-out pizza on the floor. It was one of the best weekends of her life.

And when it was done, and everyone else had left, the two of them stood and stared at their creation proudly. Jane had treated each inch of the room with as much reverence as she normally treated Maura herself. And now it was ruined.

What she couldn't put into words; what she couldn't make Jane understand is how she felt. For once in her life, Maura wasn't sure of her own emotions or feelings. She was so consumed in her failure; failure to conceive, failure as a partner to Jane, and failure to prevent her from lashing out. Feeling completely emotionally and physical exhausted, she wasn't even sure of what to say or do next. She had no more emotional energy to try and conceive at home when it clearly wasn't working. She didn't want to turn the creation of their child into something any more clinical than it already was. Her entire life was spent working in a sterile environment surrounded by other scientists and it was the last way she had ever imagined she would want to create a child.

She knew the latest techniques to test for DNA. She could manipulate a deceased body to find traces of evidence that any other Medical Examiner would have overlooked. She had a printed copy of every updated medical study, her computer bookmarks mostly direct links to the latest medical journals, and her Ipad had every single app relating to her field.

Science was Maura's life – she lived and breathed it on a constant basis and had for years.

The only break she had from her professional life was when she was at home with Jane. There, she wasn't M.E. Isles. She could be herself and explore her other interests. Only Jane knew that she loved to tuck into the couch and watch reruns of Roseanne. Only with Jane would she dare to be caught reading People magazine while snacking on Cheese-its. Jane accepted her for who she was. And for Maura, who had spent the majority of her life looking for that acceptance, it was a wonderful feeling for her to be able to be herself.

She so desperately wanted to be able to create a child in the safe haven of their home, where she finally had found peace with herself and who she was. And it just wasn't to be. The realization of that felt like a dagger through her heart.

Maura finally spoke, two words that were little more than a whisper.

"Get out."


	10. Chapter 10

"I'm not leaving you," Jane responded stubbornly; her hands fixed onto her slim hips. "You can trash every damn room in this house and you still won't be able to get rid of me."

Maura glanced at her in surprise.

"I'm sorry you're going through whatever you're going through. I don't understand why you won't just talk to me so I can help fix this. I'll be here when you're ready to do so. Until then, try to keep from breaking anything else if you can help it."

She offered Maura a sad smile and squeezed her shoulder before painfully shuffling out of the kitchen.

Secure in her solitude, Maura sat motionless. For an unknown amount of time her mind was a convoluted jumble of both still pictures of what she had done intertwined with video clips; some of her and Jane laughing, making love, cooking, holding hands, watching television, and working and others were of things she knew she had yet to experience. It was overwhelming and after countless tries she was finally able to clear her thoughts and focus only on her present surroundings.

Quiet. The entire house was quiet. She knew Jane was still there; her presence, even when she wasn't in the room could easily be felt. After a few seconds of stillness she heard a drip; the kitchen faucet was in need of being tightened. Jane had said she would do it today. The gentle hum of the refrigerator cycling on made the cool tile of the kitchen floor rumble. Her feet were cold against the surface so she rested her toes delicately on the rung of her chair.

Her palms itched, her muscles ached, and her head was throbbing. Still, she sat frozen, her mind blank.

Finally a soft scuff alerted her to the fact that she was no longer alone in the kitchen. She turned, seeing the small terrier lurking in the doorway nervously. She was a sensitive little dog who was clearly upset by the earlier events of this morning and the tension that lingered.

"Come here," Maura said softly, extending one bandaged palm toward her. Tentatively, Jo crept forward, her nails clicking slowly on the floor. She stretched her neck to sniff Maura's bandages suspiciously before fixing the Medical Examiner with a wary look.

"I know," Maura croaked; her throat dry. "I'm sorry for scaring everyone and for acting so crazy." Jo seemed to accept the apology and promptly jumped in her mistresses' lap. Maura stroked her coat reverently; her small shoulders beginning to shake with emotion. "I'm so sorry."

"Apology accepted." Jane's voice; as warm as molasses, melted the chill that had overtaken her body. "Unless you were just apologize to Jo for ruining her chances of sleeping in this morning. I think only her favorite liver treats will do."

Maura couldn't help but crack a small smile.

Seeing it as an opening, Jane crossed and kneeled next to Maura and clasped her hand. Assuaged that everything was now fine, Jo jumped down and proceeded to daintily eat her breakfast.

"She hates it when we fight," Maura remarked quietly.

"We weren't really fighting;" Jane responded with an arched eyebrow. "But I know what you mean. Anyway, like I said before, if you want to talk you know I'm here. I'll always be here. And I know you're obviously going through some things that I can't understand but I still want to listen to anything you have to say, okay?"

Nodding slowly, Maura felt a small amount of normalcy start to return. "Thank you."

"Are we okay?" The lanky Detective asked and Maura hated the glimmer of fear lurking in those dark eyes she loved so much.

"We're okay." Maura responded confidently. "I'm not sure yet about myself but I'm hopeful I can start to explore my extremely unconventional emotional response to the disappointment I felt after taking the early test."

"Well," Jane smirked as she playfully dabbed at Maura's nose, "that answer leads me to believe that you'll be back to normal in no time, Doctor."


	11. Chapter 11

Seated primly tucked into the corner of the sofa, Maura tucked her legs up underneath her.

"Are you cold? Here." Jane pulled the soft blanket over her lap before settling her lanky frame in to face Maura.

"Thanks." She carefully observed Jane's facial expressions; the slightly clenched jaw, the strain at her temples. The tall Detective was clearly struggling to maintain her stoic façade and only Maura could detect the fine cracks threatening to compromise the otherwise pristine surface that was evident of Jane's supreme control over her emotions.

Her foot had healed fine, thankfully. Maura's constant doctoring and incessant reminders of proper wound care had practically guaranteed that there would be no outward scar to serve as a reminder of the bathroom incident.

It had been two weeks; Maura's period had come and gone, and they had fallen into a strained routine of pretending that nothing had happened. Jane knew that the stoned silence between them on the topic couldn't last forever but she was at a loss of how to proceed.

"So, do you want to tell me why you had to leave work early?" The detective's voice rasped out and she cleared it self-consciously before continuing cautiously, "Korsak said you scrammed pretty quick after lunch; didn't even say goodbye to anyone."

"I'm sorry," the smaller woman replied as her hands twisted the fine weave of the soft blanket covering her. She wanted to bury her head underneath and rewind the past year of their life; back to a time when their only worries were the murders needing to be solved. "I felt an anxiety attack coming and needed some fresh air. Once I had regained my bearings I realized that I was almost home. I didn't plan on driving; and certainly didn't mean to leave you without a ride."

Jane processed her statement and nodded gently in agreement. "It's fine, I caught Ma just as she was leaving." She took Maura's hands in hers; they were ice cold. Rubbing them briskly, her dark eyes bored into Maura's lighter ones. "What made you upset?"

She didn't answer. Dropping Jane's intense gaze her lighter eyes flicked nervously from side to side.

"Maur, please." Jane's voice; normally so confident, usually bordering on arrogant, was defeated. When Maura finally gathered herself together enough to resume eye contact with the detective she was shocked to see what lurked deep in Jane's chocolate-colored eyes.

Fear.

Regardless of Jane's attempt to mask her emotions, Maura could see the perceptible fear evident in her eyes. Jane held her hands like a lifeline; her breathing was labored, her heart racing unevenly.

She looked terrible. Gone was her proud, swaggering, easily-annoyed detective. Maura couldn't remember the last time she saw Jane smile genuinely. Her normally less-than-patient persona was now just perpetually angry; bordering on aggressive. Shoulders hunched, pallid skin, and wild eyes completed the package of a woman under extreme stress.

Perhaps it was this; the tangible proof of the complete destruction of the person that Maura held most dear, that caused the floodgates holding her emotions back to finally let go.

"I had an autopsy today that bothered me," she said quietly. Meeting Jane's eyes, she was encouraged to continue. "It wasn't a murder; it was a patient who died in the hospital where she was being treated for a drug overdose. Her family, I'm assuming, were hopeful I would prove hospital negligence for insurance purposes."

"And could you?"

Maura shook her head sadly. "No, the young woman had injected herself with a lethal dose of heroin. It's amazing that she didn't die sooner, actually." Maura paused, looking for the right words. "Uh, she was five months pregnant."

Jane's hands clenched hers to the point where it was almost painful. If possible, the detective's eyes appeared even more wounded.

"Fucking loser," Jane hissed in anger.

"I stood and just stared at her body for what felt like an eternity. If I didn't have such a high regard for my profession and impeccable criteria for my own work performance I would have been unable to complete the autopsy."

Jane managed a small smile.

"I was so angry. I am so angry. What right did this woman have to be so irresponsible with her body to ignore the fact that she was providing life to her child? She was five months along and knew she was pregnant. She knew what she was doing and that it was detrimental to both her and her child. I saw on her file that she just left a well-known rehab facility less than a week ago. She was clean for months as soon as she was released she overdosed? I just don't understand."

Jane said nothing; her dark eyes encouraging me to continue.

"I see women with children everywhere. Very rarely do the children seem to be getting what they need; last night at the grocery store there was the most adorable little girl trying to interact with her mother who was too busy texting to pay attention. Who texts in the middle of the grocery store? I was so overcome with jealousy I felt like smashing her phone on the ground. I wanted to smash her phone, tell her that her cheap shoes were just hideous, and tell her that she didn't deserve to have that beautiful child look at her with adoration."

Maura stopped talking abruptly when she noticed the detective biting back a grin.

"Well, I did." Maura muttered.

"I know, sweetheart." Jane rubbed her arms lovingly. "I completely understand how you feel. I think the same things every time I arrest some scumbag in front of their kids."

"You do?"

"Of course I do," the detective responded easily. "I feel like such an asshole; here I am taking the person who is supposed to love them, hold them, and tell them that everything will be fine. I'm taking their security away. Some of them look at me like they hate me." She shook her head forlornly. "Drug addicts, murderers, rapists, dealers; it's not fair that just anyone can have a baby."

"Precisely. You are the most giving, unselfish, and compassionate person I've ever known. Jane, I really feel like you would do anything in your power to try and make me happy."

"Of course I would, I love you." Jane responded simply.

"I've worked my entire life to create the person that other people think I am. I've worked so hard to appear flawless on the outside; wear the proper clothes, always have my hair and nails done, and I never leave the house without makeup. I do that because I don't feel like that on the inside." Maura's eyes were fraught with the desire for Jane to understand. "I'm so grateful for your love and all I want to do is show you how much I love you in return. You deserve a baby more than anyone else I've ever known and I want to give that to you. However, it doesn't seem that it's possible. I can't get pregnant and I feel so hollow and empty inside. I know what it is to be unwanted and damaged. I know we'd never make our child feel like I've always felt. I know we'd be wonderful parents. I'm just not good enough to make it happen." Without warning; Maura felt her eyes well with tears.

It had all been said now; everything was out in the open. There was nothing left to keep from Jane and instead of feeling distraught; she felt relived. Trembling eyes met Jane's and she was rewarded with a beaming smile from her detective.

"Well, I think you're perfect." The detective's eyes were warm and Maura felt herself being pulled into their dark depths. "Maur, you have to know how amazing you are. I know I can't change how you feel about yourself, but if you could see how I see you I think you'd realize just how perfect you are. You're going to be a great mom. We'll make it happen, no matter what it takes. I promise."

"I just wanted to do it naturally." Maura looked at Jane; desperation in her eyes. "I can't really explain it."

"You don't have to explain anything. Let's take things one day at a time. If you want to take a break from babymaking, let's take a break. I know in my heart we will make this happen when the time is right. Let's just take the pressure off of each other and go from there." The detective's voice was soothing and Maura felt herself nodding along.

"Maybe I need a break," Maura agreed timidly. "I think I do."

"Okay," Jane agreed easily, "then we're going to take a break. Let's take some time to focus on us and just enjoy each other's company, okay?"

"That would be nice," the smaller woman responded thoughtfully. "I think I need that."

"We both do." Jane smiled to soften her words. She leaned forward and kissed Maura gently. "Let's make sure we tell each other how we're feeling and keep checking in with each other. I hate that you shut me out. I love you and want to be there for you; you know that, right?"

"I'm sorry," the smaller woman apologized. "I didn't know how to verbalize what I was going through. I have so many conflicted emotions and I'm not used to feeling like this."

"You don't have to apologize, let's just promise to try and be better."

Maura gave her detective a dazzling smile. "I can do that." She took the initiative and climbed toward Jane with a sly smile on her full lips. "Now, if we're taking a break on the babymaking it doesn't mean we have to take a break on the making part, right?"

Jane let out a torturous groan; it had been so long since she'd seen this side of Maura. "God I hope not."

Releasing a full and throaty laugh, Maura nibbled on Jane's chin gently. "I love you."

Jane pushed her back gently by her shoulders and fixed her with a wide smirk. "I love you. We're going to be fine."

It was exactly what Maura needed to hear and the combination of Jane's promises and slightly flushed skin was enough to make her start to feel like herself again. The feeling of returning to herself was such an overwhelming relief; it was then that she finally realized how tormented she had been feeling.

"We will be fine," Maura responded. For the first time she believed it.

* * *

><p>The end.<p>

I want to thank everyone who stuck by this story and supported me with reviews & PM's. I really appreciate all of your kind words. I received more reviews / PM's also from 'haters' who wanted to bash me for telling a less-than-fairytale version of this subject…...that was disappointing.

I started to write this story when my wife & I decided to try and have a child. After several months of unsuccessful at-home inseminations, I felt everything Maura did (and much more.) Life isn't fair or easy, and it's not all about happy endings.

That said, I do intend on writing a sequel to this story at some point and I hope to give Jane & Maura the happy ending they do deserve. ;)


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